illusion vs reality

you know everytime i watch those dramas whereby the plot is about the actor/actress having illusions and distorted images i will be laughing at them and comment things like "siao lor so exaggerating! how can such things happen in real life?"

now i take back my words.

this morning (or rather, afternoon) i was having absurd dream/illusion/imagination when i was 'asleep'. i dunno if i am dreaming cuz i actually know i am trying to sleep but it doesnt feel like i am enjoying the sleep. the dream/illusion/imagination was irrational, but i have the strong feeling that it is for real and i might actually 'predicted' it correctly!

things are getting a little out of hand. although i have friends who i can share my problems with, i am actually scared to tell them things. sometimes, i have to 'categorise' them into different groups, like what things i can say to cat A, cat B, cat C.. well, there're only 2 categories.

i think the only person who can understand my whole problem is huiqing. =(

i'm not trying to categorise my friends, but there are certain things which i have no idea how to bring across to them. like my cat A friends (which is basically my secondary school clique), i dare not tell them about my thoughts anymore because i'll be very affected when they laugh at me. i sound stupid and dumb that i am so mindful of people teasing me and i know they are kidding but the phobia developed so badly that i will rather not try it again.

then there is cat B, a.k.a jc clique. 1 problem is, i hardly meet them and things i talk to them are not very 'deep' also.. not that they don understand, but i think if i tell them about what i think, they will despise me :(

hahahaha, maybe in huiqing's heart she already despise me but i will still continue to trust her lol.

is this considered an emo entry? hahaha. i'm not trying to be emo here, but i just need to get this out before i get REALLY emo. :D